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An astute friend pointed out this post on Curbed, or, more precisely, he pointed out the handwriting on the sign taped to a stolen bike in a photo in a post of Curbed; with only tiny exceptions (the "a," the "y"), that sign could have been written by me.

He was not spot on, however, in asking whether the bike and sign were actually mine. My lack of street-crossing skills, my poor paying-attention skills, and the fact that I'm not very coordinated all indicate the obvious: I could never ride a bike on city streets.